Gym Please-Do-Not-Do's

5 Less Complained About, But Still Terribly Annoying, Gym No-No's

1. Not Putting A Lock On Your Locker

Your ever go to the gym and you put a lock on your locker? Probably always if you're a decent human. You know what happens to that locker when you leave? Literally nothing. People might glance at it but that's about the extent. Have you ever forgotten your lock? You feel naked! You feel uncomfortable and you think about skipping the gym altogether! I have a separate pocket on my gym bag for my lock. So now lets imagine you are the person who never brings a lock. What happens when you so casually leave your stuff in a public cubby while you "run" on the treadmill for 25 minutes? I'll tell you. Person after person opens your locker in hopes they can set down their heavy gym bag but, alas, they can not. There is a pair of flip flops and hoodie in there. Its taken. Imagine that happening 4, 5, 6 times in row. Its a total mood killer. I mean you already took your pre-workout and you just want to change and throw your stuff in a locker so you can get to the weight room to let off some steam. But you can't because you are on a scavenger hunt while contemplating grabbing everything in every unlocked locker and throwing it in the shower..

2. The Crossfit Guy Who Does Crossfit Things In Not A Box

Please pay attention to the heading of this one. This is not a gripe against xfit as a cult following. It is a gripe against the people who do it outside of the cult's temples. My gym has this new guy who, I assume, was exiled from his Box. He takes up 4 areas at once. He makes sure everyone watches him (by flailing or taking excessively loud initial breaths or slamming light weights). You can hear his headphones over yours and I bet you can guess what is playing....Basically the point of this is that a box is set up for a certain type of workout where certain etiquette exists. Same goes for a bikram class or a weight-room. You don't play soccer on a basketball court. So please don't roll your hamstrings in the squat rack. 

3. Posing In The Mirrors In The Weight-Room

I can't tell you how annoying this. First of all, when did publicly being conceited become okay? I'm assuming around the same time as Instagram and Snapchat. Don't misconstrue what I'm saying here; There is nothing wrong with being proud of your accomplishments. Take photos of your progress. I don't care! But there is a time and a place and in the middle of the weight-room during everyone else's workout really isn't it. I'm sure you know how distracting it is when you are doing cable flys and all you can see in front of you is a guy taking bicep selfies. Even if you want to get your pump in the shot, it won't be gone by the time you get to the locker room. Take it there. At least there, you can take some good racy Fapchats too.

4. Casual and Constant Undressing

This person usually exists at every gym and, unfortunately, is normally a dude. He comes in wearing a beanie, a hoodie and sweats. He jumps up and down for a minute or two then does a set. Drinks some water then does another set. Throws off his (already super pointless) beanie. Does another set. On to the next lift. Hits a set. Off comes the hoodie. Now he is in a t-shirt and shorts going into finishing up this specific lift. Off come the sweats as he starts to warm up. Cute girl walks into the gym. Off comes the tee and now he's in a stringer tank and shorts. Gym looks like your bedroom when you were in elementary school. Clothes everywhere. Whats the point of this? Keep your muscles loose? Keep your body temp high? Attention? Who knows, but we do know this: Dude ran out of detergent and called on the Febreeze to handle the job on them sweats. WOOO.

5. When Your Gym Swag Writes A Check Your Lifts Can't Cash

Gym clothes are so great. So many funny t-shirts or tanks to wear to the gym. Deck out your wardrobe and enjoy it. Just know one thing: If you wear a cocky gym shirt to the gym, that is your first impression you give to everyone. The other day, a kid was wearing a tank that said "More definition than the dictionary". Never saw it. Super funny. The kid wearing it, however, was not by any means shredded, Not even skinny cut. Annoyingly enough, he wasn't even soft enough to wear it ironically. As a stranger and imperfect human being, I have now judged him with all my might not previously allocated to my bench press. There are plenty of great gym shirts that are funny and do not suggest who you are as a person. And frankly, its okay to wear those types of shirts anyway, just remember that your squat or you boulder shoulders better be able to back it up.

You guys know of any other good gym gripes? There are tons out there and no one is perfect, but, as they say: Knowledge, much like a sturdy leg press, is power. 

Untitled Post About Running

It's (finally) 70 degrees out. Mid-April. No clouds. Something straight out of a Bob Ross painting.

For an active 20 something, the first thing you think to do is get breakfast to try and cure your hangover. But THEN you think that its the perfect day for a run. Which is funny because then you remember you hate running and you're not trying to lose any of your righteous gains that you worked so hard for. You're looking really good, by the way. Almost summer ready! You get out of bed and you get dressed and you head to the gym. Its Saturday and you hit all your groups during the week before work because you're obviously a driven individual. So naturally the only rational thing to do is to spend 2 hours lifting and give everything a once over. All the dumbbells. All the cable machines. Even hit that weird inner thigh, baby-birthing muscle machine. Now you have a great inner thigh pump. Make your protein shake and then hit the stair climber for a nice butt-pump. Remember: step down and off with your heels to activate your booty muscles. Your're done so you leave. Guess what?

IT IS EVEN NICER OUTSIDE THAN BEFORE.

Now, you're not an advocate for running in order to lose weight. You won't say it helps but you won't say it hurts. However, while you retired from running a year ago (LOL), you couldn't resist the urge to seize the shit out of this day. Laying outside is great and all but when you're done, you get light-headed and sleepy and sweaty and you did nothing but roll over to tan you new booty.

Against you're better judgement, you lace up. Put on those awesome running shoes on that you only wear when grocery shopping. Grab a hat and stretch out in your front yard. Set out on your sidewalk and there it is: Block after block of contemplating on whether or not you should turn around. Start off at a pace you think you're ready for. Feels good. Sweating out the toxins and releasing all those endorphins. Every mile you run is a justification for another bad habit. 1 Mile down! That's a Big Mac for lunch! 2 miles! Dominick's sangria screaming your name! 3 miles....really? 3 miles is a bit much don't you think?........Oh! I see. You're gonna smoke some hookah after your run. That's just good planning. Should probably do 5 miles so you have some buffer room for whatever shenanigans you come up with later. You're getting tired but you really don't think about how tough it is. Think about your blood pressure. Think about your cholesterol. You know that exercise makes you feel good and being able to do it outside is the icing on the cake. Oh shit! Mile 4 can be for cake!

"WOOF WOOF WOOF!"

That's a noise that dogs make. There is one on a leash in his yard letting you know he would try and murder you if he wasn't being held back. What would you do if the dog got loose and was coming right at you? Run? You're not that fast, Usain. Play dead? Maybe he's dumb enough to believe it. Then your primitive survival instincts kick in and you think that when he lunges at you, mouth wide open, you present your forearm. Let him sink his canines in that muscley, tough appendage of yours. Once he's locked, your dominant hand goes for his throat and your knee goes to his chest as you throw him to the sidewalk. Then you realize you just imagined murdering someones dog and you immediately feel terrible. He probably just wanted to imaginarily lick your imaginary face, you sorry excuse for a human being. It's just a dog! So you start praying some Hail Mary's and hope God forgives you and your dark, dark, tormented soul.

Your house is in sight! Just a bit further. It feels good to push yourself to accomplish something that has made you, arguably, feel good to this point. Why not do this all the time? Why not do something you don't normally do for the benefits of it? You're doing it right now. You can do it again. You're a firework. Let your colors burst. Finish strong. Log your run in your book. Grab some water and then grab a beer. Be proud of yourself. You have the time for it, you just don't think you do because the new season of Daredevil just came out on Netflix. Guess what? It'll be there when you get done. Right there next to Friends and House of Cards. And now you can feel better about finishing those shows up while its still gorgeous outside. Eh. Just keep a window open. Same thing, right?