Okay, Guy.

So whenever I go to work at the mall, I get to partake in one of my favorite hobbies. People watching. While "people watching" usually turns into staring a cougars, It can be more productive. Like yesterday I saw something that made me think of today's blog topic. Things That Are Impractical. Just because something sounds like a good idea, doesn't necessarily mean that it is. So here are things that I think just probably should go away.

1.)

Mall Security Guards on Segways.
  This is the example of something that is impractical that I saw while at the mall...duh. Okay, Scenario Time. I go up to Wetzels and steal like 100 pizza pretzels and most likely eat 6 before security even gets wind. No way ANY mall security guard is in good enough shape to catch this Flash/Hulk baby. So they send the big guns, Axel's(from Twisted Metal) handicap little brother, The Segway RoboGuard. I see him coming at me and this fucker is way faster than expected. Those dudes just zoom around the mall like madmen. Its nuts. Anyway, like a Lion after it's prey, he is closing the gap fast. So I make like the wild gazelle and...use the stairs. Done. I walk away eating the other 94 pizza pretzels.
  Okay. Let's say he does catch me. Like, I'm passing passing Victoria's Secret and there is a woman in yoga pants picking out 5 for $25 underwear from the bins(Hey, I've had a gf or two in my day). So naturally, I slow down to drool properly and RoboGuard catches up. He's got me. What does he do? Hit me with a baton? Pepper spray? No. He is a mall security guard and can't use those things. Hand cuff me? No way dude is getting off that segway or risking losing balance and falling off. So, I walk away with 86 pizza pretzels and a chub.
  Stupid segway guards.

2.)

 Choosing Pichu as Your Character in Super Smash Bros Melee
  There are 26 characters in SSBM. Pikachu and Pichu are 2 of the choices. They are the exact same except Pichu is smaller, lighter, and slightly faster. Honestly, you don't need Pikachu to be faster. Anyway, another glaring difference is that Pichu hurts itself when it uses electric attacks. WHAT. Why pick him? Oh yeah, because his soundbyte when he dies is freaking adorable...and don't worry, you'll hear it a lot. A SSBM wiki ranks Pichu #26 in the game. A game that has the Ice Climbers as a character choice. I'm done convincing you.

3.)

One ply, un-lotioned tissues.
  This is America in the new millennium. If your tissue doesn't feel like 500 count sheets when you're blowing your nose, stop shopping at the Dollar Tree.

4.)

Smith Machines
  This hits close to home because for now I'm at Planet Fitness and those are the only "squat racks" that they have. Most of them are slightly angled like the one in the picture. So if you do any kind of chest press lift, you are going to hurt your wrists or shoulders, depending on which way you compensate. Also, my biggest problem with these machines is that they stop you from using and strengthening all of your stabilizer muscles. When you use regular dumb bells or bar bells, your body uses smaller muscles to stabilize and hold proper form. Since the smith machine's bar defies gravity, you don't use any of those muscles, hindering proper development and increasing chance of injury in real life situations. A benefit of using the smith machine? It's great if you are trying to completely emasculate yourself.

*SIDE NOTE*

Okay, I have literally never heard a human baby boy's penis referred to as anything other than a childish variation of "wee-wee". So question: Is wee-wee the scientific term for a baby's penis? Because I just say dick. Too many different words for the same thing just gets confusing. There is no such thing as a baby thesaurus. It's just a baby dick.

anyway

5.)

A Repeat Ball
  A repeat ball is a type of Pokeball used to catch Pokemon you have already registered in your Pokedex. Meaning Pokemon you already have. And far as I know, you can't catch wild Eevees so there is literally no use to this stupid ball. It's a waste of space man. And, to make it worse, it's made from an acorn. Hahaha. stupid game.

If you have anything else you think is impractical, lemme know so I can tell you you're wrong.

And if you care to see my opinions on literally everything else, follow my Twitter @samgregtom

Happy Thanksgaining!

 Fall is here and so is the end to whatever lucrative diet you were on to maintain your crazy 8 pack. Relieving is one way to put it, but when they slowly disappear, you start to feel a little withdrawal. Fitness buffs are very vulnerable and emotional people...we just have strong feelings for things like food and striations. But as the winter approaches, we must prepare for something we in the muscle biz like to call

Bulking Season
  
It's the most wonderful time of the year, but we don't have any songs for it. Bulking season is the time of the year when you don't really have your shirt off in public much like you would at a beach during the summer. So during this time you get to spend more quality time on getting huge. Think of it this way: You are a fruit. Pick one, I don't care. So, in the Fall and Winter is when you bulk, or Ripen. This is when you get juicy and plump and awesome. Spring rolls around and it's now time to get ready for the Farmer's Market, i.e. Summer. Spring is when you get Peeled, to keep the fruit analogy going. Then Summer. If you've been tested for hollowness, spots, and how soft your rind is, you could be selected by that hot MILF and taken home to sit in her table bowl as a show piece during girls night.

So, how do you celebrate Bulking Season?

1.

Cheat Meals become Cheat Days. A cheat meal was one reward meal you treated yourself to to keep you sane on your all water and Isopure diet. Stretch that out over a whole day to get those necessary calories to get you through a week's worth of training. Cheat meals are okay when its just like a burger. Burgers are great. But you only get 1 day to eat whatever you want. Make it memorable! A good friend posted a picture of his cheat dinner the other day. And it was this:

An all meat pizza with Pizza Rolls. Food Porn. Pizza Boner. I'm going to one up him this Sunday by adding an upside-down pizza on top and making it a Pizza Roll Pizza Sandwich. CAN'T WAIT.

2.

 Go shopping for clothes! This weather, commonly known as "Sweater Weather", is perfect for giant, buff dudes. Sweaters and thermals, when sized right, look awesome and still show off all your hard work. The best part? The fact that they keep you warm means your muscles keep their size. BRO SCIENCE. Personally, I'm going to be buying all of these sweatshirts.

3.

 

Seasonal Girlfriends! Call 'em cuddle buddies if you wanna, but there are plenty of girls out there LOOKING FOR SOMEONE JUST LIKE YOU. A guy who is getting huge who is probably going to get a little fluffy and be a little insecure. That's you for sure, you giant stud you. She wants a big meat mountain to keep her warm and safe during the winter. Its in their nature. And they almost always look the those girls above too so you're all set.

Bulking season, cuddle weather, Fall. Whatever you wanna call it, it's here and ready to be embraced. GET HUGE.

Social Media Etiquette: Facebook Edition

I love writing these blogs because I can say whatever I want because that's what blogs are for. And they're awesome. No rules. Other social media, however, does have some guidelines to maintain sanity amongst the digital masses. Facebook is probably the biggest social media outlet right now and maybe one of the most abused. I think since it is such a broad media, there are a lot of exceptions, in the same light, a lot of ways to abuse it.

Social Media Etiquette: Facebook Edition!!!!

Okay, I'm going to start with one that actually doesn't bug me as much as it pisses me off. And it doesn't really happen on Facebook. The thing that pisses me off is when people think its weird/get upset/are bothered when one of their Facebook friends likes/comments on a status/picture. Example conversation time:

Girl 1: So, I posted this picture of me in my bikini from spring break...
Girl 2: Ohmygod, that super cute green one from Target?
Girl 1: Yeah!
Girl 2: It looks so good on you! Especially when you stopped eating.
Girl 1: OMG thank you girlie! 
Girl 2: I facking love Target. Everything there is so cute.
Girl 1: Like I know. I'd never leave if they served wine while you shopped.
Girl 2: Right!?! I could so go for some Moscato right now. Ugh.
Girl 1: So anyway, I posted that picture and Sam Thomas liked it.
Girl 2: Sam Thomas? That weirdo that you always talk to when you're drunk?
Girl 1: Yeah. I just want to do weird things with him after I have half a fifth of tequila. But, I mean, we text sometimes too. And I see him at the gym and we talk there too.
Girl 2: Oh thats so weird. He probably likes you. What a creeper.
Girl 1:  I know. Can you say restraining order? ehahahahehaha.

THAT SHIT. Here is the thing. If you put something on Facebook AND ACCEPTED A FRIEND REQUEST you are allowing all comments and likes that may ensue. Stop being a huge bitch. I have plenty of friends who are girls who have had half of that conversation with me about someone. No, it's not weird. Thats what Facebook is for. Why are are you posting bikini pics if not for the attention and likes? I just can't understand it and I'm turning SSJ2 thinking about it. If you're a girl and post a status like "Taking a shower", EXPECT dudes to like it.

 Alright, I've said my peace.

Next one is a status that we see all too often.

The super vague, begging for attention status. Don't do it. Everyone knows why your are doing it and no one cares. If you have a problem with/feeling about someone, Facebook isn't the place for it. Ever since Facebook became, we forgot how to handle our problems. Talk to the people. At the very least, text them and don't post it for the world to not care about.

That picture is a good example of another Sam Rule Violation: Airing out your dirty laundry. There is a time and a place for that and it's never and nowhere. Control your emotions, be an adult and talk to these people face to face. I hate when people are mad at their gfs or bfs and post that they're being _____. If you even think about posting it on FB, sounds like you should probably address the "guilty" party and actually fix the problem instead of making it worse. This etiquette blog is turning into a free counseling session.

My last rule of Facebook is The Twitter Rule. Twitter is a social media where you post pics, thoughts, links in 140 character increments. It's basically 1. a way to see what your fave celebs are doing or 2. a place to record every thought you ever had. Twitter was created in 2006. Its 2013. There is no reason for anyone to be posting more than 2 Facebook statuses a day. We have Twitter now. Put whatever you want on that. We expect it. Facebook does not need to be crowded by the fact that your kid didn't want to take care of his toys so now he is in timeout. "Potty training _______ and he keeps shitting on the floor" "Ugh, I don't know how ______ can miss so much. Or hit the ceiling from that angle" "I showed _____ where the toilet handle is" "WHO THE F*&K PUT THE TOILET PAPER ROLL ON BACKWARDS?!?!?!" "Oh good, ______ finally shit in the toilet, too bad it was an upper decker" Those are PERFECT examples of tweets. Horrible examples of FB statuses.

Pretty short list considering all the things Facebook has to offer. Also, if your # is on fb, its fair game. Not gonna add anything to that, your fault.

Please follow these rules or you'll have me freaking out in my room and doing absolutely nothing about it.

Final Line-Up

So you wake up in Kanto and Prof Oak is like, "Yo, I has proposition for you. Catch a bunch of Pokemon and you'll get tons of pu...uh, you're 10. Um, candy! You'll get tons of candy". You're like duh. BUT you're a huge nerd and you wanna plan out exactly which Pokemon you want in your final line-up. I don't know about you, but

My Favorite 6 Original For My Line-Up(No particular order)

BTW, lemme start this off with: This is not what I would do if I started Pokemon Red again. This is what I am going to do when Pokemon are real.

1.

 Gengar

Why: Because he matches my blog layout, dummy! But seriously. He is a Ghost Pokemon. He is fast, strong, and isn't affected by a lot of attacks.

Aside From Abilities: Gengar has mischievous qualities that, if he were on your team, would be hilarious to have around. He is a jokester. He'd love to lighten the mood for ya.

Entrance Music: Motionless In White - Creatures

Nickname: Sparkles.

2.

Jolteon

Why: Jolteon is one of the fastest Pokemon in the world. Combine speed with his electric attacks makes him a tough match-up. Plus, he's small, so I'd imagine he'd just be tough to hit all around.

Aside From Abilities: Jolteon would be like an aggressive dog. I'd want him when he was a puppy like in the picture. CUTE! Jolteon would be very protective and very loyal.

Entrance Music: Eminem - Till I Collapse feat. Nate Dogg

Nickname: Burza (Polish word for Storm)

3.

Dewgong

Why: An ice and water Pokemon that can endure a lot. Ice is an often overlooked element, but to me it is a crucial part to the team. Dewgong has plenty of good ice and water moves at it's disposal.

Aside From Abilities: Dewgong has an elegance that matches the rest of my team. She gives my group diversity and a bit of legitimacy. Probably the most trancic of the group. This is how we Dew(gong). If I have a Dewgong in my line-up, girls with think I have a sensitive side and go on dates with me and stuff.

Entrance Music: Frank Ocean - Novacane

Nickname: Ariel. (Uh Duh)

4.

Machoke

Why: He is incredibly strong and his physical attacks will poke-rape most opponents. I am leaving him at a Machoke and not evolving him because it is my opinion that he would be more clumsy and slower if he had an extra set of arms. I'll sacrifice some strength.

Aside From Abilities: I can't think of a single Pokemon that would have more swag than Machoke would. Dude probably wears sunglasses a la the Squirtle Squad. He's peeled man. The dude has an ego. If you think of a gym douche in Kanto, you think of Machoke. My team needs that character.

Entrance Music: Lil Scrappy - No Problem

Nickname: Dom (A lot of reasons)

5.

Arcanine

Why: One of the beastliest fire Pokemon of ever. This dude is A LEGENDARY POKEMON but gets no recognition. Part of the original legendary 4 and the 1st legendary dog.

Aside From Abilities: He is probably the best combo of any positive trait a Pokemon could have. Loyal, cunning, brave, unique, and bitches LOVE dogs. "Ohhhh! Is that your Arcanine? Its so cute! Can I pet it?" "As long as I can pet your Persian". Sealed that deal, Master Ball style. Thanks, Arcanine.

Entrance Music: Yelawolf - Let's Roll

Nickname: Appa (Aang's flying bison)

6.

Nidoking

Why: A poison and ground Pokemon. Insane strength and ability to take some hits. He has moves that kill in one hit. Can learn surf and thunder. I mean, WHAT. 

Aside From Abilities: He rounds out my purple colored Pokemon. Try finding a more bad ass looking Pokemon. CAN'T DO IT. That's why I posted 2 pictures. Definitely inspires confidence in his team. I can't imagine he is afraid of anything. 

Entrance Music: Super Saiyan Vegeta Theme

Nickname: Typhon (Greek mythology's Father of All Monsters)

Those are my 6. Let me know how you think I did. What would yours be?